I awoke thursday morning feeling very low. I didn't bother to send word to Master that I was leaving for my errands for the day. Since we had not resolved anything, I decided to go without a Master for a bit.

I received and e-mail from Master that morning. The e-mail generally said the same thing he had said the night before. He has no time, he wants to see where we can go with this relationship, but now is not good. He has feelings for me, but cannot tell me he is in love with me as I have said to him. That's where I had to throw in the flag on the play.

I have told Master in the past that I love him. I have never said that I am in love with him. This is an important distinction for me. I can love many people - my friends, family, coworkers. But being in love is something altogether different for me. I love Master as a friend, coworker and most importantly, as a man. But I haven't known him long enough to know if I am in love with him. He also wanted me to consider that maybe the love I feel is because of the roles we are playing. I told him that despite his complete neglect of me over the last five weeks, I am still here. to me that says that I am in this for far more than the D/s relationship. We discussed the fact that his life is in total diorder and that he will not be ready to consider our relationship until it gets back in order. If I want to hang in there and wait, great, he would love me to. But if I need to get out, he understands. I told him that given that he does want to work on us, I would be willing to wait, but that there would have to be an alteration in my situation. He agreed to try to be there more for me, and I will be spending my time with others as I see fit. My only rule is that I have to tell him about what I do. I managed to have a little tryst just the other night. Master knew the gentleman was coming. I won't be repeating that, however. The man was a sloppy lover and smelled of cigarettes and cheap cologne. God, the bed reeked of it all night and so did I. I immediately washed myself and the sheets the next day. Thank god he left right after we were done. I was wondering how I was going to get him out of my house!

Anyway, Master wants me to wear the collar, despite the fact that I have STILL not seen him. I have not put it back on. I've told him that I no longer feel connected to him, nor do I hold the same feelings that I once did for him in that manner. I need to reconnect with him and get myself back in the slave mindset. I can't do that over the phone. I have made subtle but telling differences in my contact with him that should be obvious to any Master that I am not playing his game. I told him that if he wants to be my Master, he has to act like one. He can't just pick and choose his moments when he feels like it.

So far, no change. So. I'll be out looking for a boy-toy.

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