Seems nothing is going right in the love/relationship department for anyone right now.

Last night I sent a message to Master after we got off of the phone saying "Do you even miss me a little?" The reply was as follows:

"Hon, in your role, you exist for my pleasure. When I want to be pleased and can't see you then I miss that. If I am too busy then I don't have time to miss it. I know that there are times I wish you were here and times when it is best you are not. Don't know if that's what you want to hear but it's honest. And that's what I told you you would always get. Hope it answers your question."

I have to tell you that I went completely ballistic. I ended up calling him and telling him that no, he doesn't get to do that. He cannot demand that I continue a slave role when he ceased to be a Master a long time ago. I told him that I thought it was time to end this. His answer was that right now he doesn't know if he has anything to give. His daughter is acting up (has been suspended for the second time in two weeks and can't go back to school until Jan 2nd) and his life is a mess. He said he would love for me to wait until he gets his house in order, but understands that I may not want to. I cried alot. I mean, for me to decide if I want to wait for this man to get things in order - which could take the next two years when the oldest turns 18 and maybe leaves home.... I'd have to know that he feels something for me. He said he does, but will not allow himself to develop that feeling right now. Everything else comes first.

So. We left it and slept on it. All I can say is that I feel like I have a big hole in my chest. He was exhuasted because of the drama the daughter caused (she may now have to be home schooled) so he didn't want to say anything yet. When I asked where that left us, he said it left us right where we've been all along. I disagree. I have no intention of plodding along, wearing a collar and detailing my day to him if he does not reciprocate. This relationship takes two.

My solution? I can't tell you I don't love him and want to help him. I'm not waiting if he has no feelings for me. But for now, I intend to kindle as many physical relationships as I can to keep me occupied. One man does not seem to be able to keep up with me. Maybe I can find a couple to keep me warm at night.

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