Master and i have been fairly distant for the last month. After 29 days of being too busy with school, children and work, we saw each other yesterday. It was only for a couple of hours in which He tried to finish up His christmas shopping, but it was something. The night before we had a brief, but necessary conversation.

i've been quite short with Him lately and i was sure He'd noticed. When i said something to Him about it, He said that He had just attributed it to PMS because He had noticed the same thing last month when i got "clingy". i about came through the phone at Him. He said He had not meant that to sound negative. i told him that the word "clingy" has a very negative connotation for a woman and that i thought i had been absolutely understanding and patient. How can one be clingy when they haven't seen you for a MONTH? i told Him that i stopped wearing my collar a couple of weeks ago, that i felt abandoned, unwanted and lost. He told me that none of that had been His intent and that He apologized. i am still waiting for things to get better. But now it's christmas and i don't expect that to happen.

The Pupil called me last night. It was yet another one of his "We'll get together this week" calls. So non-committal. When i do get him to sit and talk i will begin by asking why he is in such a hurry to fuck every woman he comes into contact with, yet holds me at bay. i sent him a message saying that today would be the best day this week for me. Master is working, so there will be no interruptions. i have yet to hear back from him. Master and i spoke about it last night. i have begun asking questions about what He expects my relationship to The Pupil to be like. i did get a slight glimpse into His feelings for me.

i can tell that there is a bit of jealously lurking. Not for any physical contact i have with others, but Master is vigilant for any feelings i might have for others. The other night He let slip that if He were to be worried about me having feelings for anyone, it would be The Doorman. That explains something... When i came back from out of town, i brought something back for The Doorman. When i told Master i was going to go deliver it the next day, i was immediately forbidden to go. i was confused by His harshness and did not understand it. Now i do. Master need not have worried. Although my physical attraction is strong, the emotional one was very weak, and i doubt it exists at all now.

i have explained to Master that given His attention, i would not be venturing out to play with others. i would be content to let Him bring them to me. However, if He continues to neglect me, what does He expect? i miss Him.

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