i am in the midst of a great dilema. Oh, the pain and drama of my life....

Master is back from his trip, but has been too sick to really do anything. We haven't been together in over a week. He came over wednesday night for about an hour and a half, but looked so sick that He went home. i think He's starting to feel better, but He worked yesterday and now He's just wiped out. He's been asleep most of the day. Well, i hope he has.

Wednesday night Master and i discussed other men in my life. i told Him that i have been hit on alot this week. He was pleased. The problem is that i was unsure how to deal with it. He gave me this guidance: For the married men, my behavior must be limited to what i would feel was appropriate should their wives be present. Of course, we know none of them would look sideways at me if their wives were present, but i would not feel uncomfortable giving them a hug. As for the unmarried ones, i am free to flirt, be attracted to and do everything short of physical contact with them as long as no one will be hurt. This means that my contact with The Doorman is sanctioned, as long as i am not physically involved with him.

Herein lies the problem. In my discussions with The Doorman, he has expressed interest in the lifestyle. He came out and asked me one day what my "safeword" was, so i knew he was familiar with some of it. Apparently, he was introduced to it by a girl many years ago and really liked it. He has not found that satisfaction since. i forwarded some of the literature i have to him and had him read it. He has now expressed an interest - actually, more like an assumption - that he will be my Master. i'm not sure he truly understands what that means. i love Master, but my attraction for this man is undeniable. He is different than Master is. Stricter, more willing to require me to do things while on the phone with him or while he is not with me. He has a cruel streak in him that excites me. We are to meet tonight to talk. i want to know what he thinks this will be like....

So many thoughts here. The Doorman is not an experienced Master. He would, however, provide the structure i really crave. The problem is that my Master, having already gone through the process, understands that all of that may not be the best thing for me. He is building a relationship that will last long term. The Doorman is intrigued, interested and completely turned on by the thought of having a slave. It is the beginning of a journey for him. i fear that The Doorman will not be able to sustain this lifestyle. His life may not be conducive to it. It will require many changes for him.

The exciting thing to see in relation to The Doorman is the birth of an almost child-like excitement in finding there are people in the world like us. He is still dubious. At this point, i would have to say that he is seduced by the notion, but i am unsure of his commitment to the lifestyle. i don't think he has any idea.....

All of that being said, of course i cannot have two Master's. That is forbidden. i have alot of thinking to do....

By the way, i told Master that i had discovered in His absence that i loved Him. He made me repeat it. His answer? "That makes me feel good." with a big smile on His face. Now, for most women, that would be a disaster. He didn't say it back?!?!? For me, it is an expression of how i feel and not at all a reason to panic. i do love Him. i can't say i'm IN LOVE with Him yet, of course. But i love Him.

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