Such drama this week. Master is finally back and i've been able to talk to Him for short spurts. His phone got screwed up and that's why i did not hear from Him for a few days. He was out of the country, and the phone provider changed the language on His phone. How nice of them. He did come back sick - probably strep. Lovely. We're supposed to get together tomorrow. We'll see.

So many things have happened since He left. i tried to give Him the Readers Digest version this morning. The car is OK, the rent went up almost $30 a month and my part time job is finally over for the season. i can finally take overtime at work - YAY! i told Him i was worried He had just up and left me, but that's not His style. Then i began to worry His plane crashed. Nightmare.

i purposely put off the things i really need to talk to Him about until i see Him. i'm pretty sure i know what his reaction will be, but i want to see Him and talk about my experiences this week. Master wants me to be attractive to other men, that is certain. But in the last five days, three men have made it quite clear that they are interested. One is happily married and would never cheat on his wife, so his admission was sweet, but harmless. He is a hell of a nice guy and attractive too. i'm not worried about him. The second is married, but i get the feeling that he would jump at the chance of sleeping with me. i've already made it quite clear that is out of the question, but he's also very attractive. It's the last one that is troubling.

There is a man that i have had a thing for for several years. I'll call him The Doorman. He is so good looking it makes me want to cry. He flirts, but i've always thought he was just playing. He always drives me crazy when he grabs me by the hand, looks right into my eyes and won't let go. He touched the back of my neck saturday while adjusting my collar and i could have fell to my knees right then. Well apparently, i opened the flood gates one day when i was kidding around with him and told him i had a crush on him. I saw him saturday and he was openly flirting with me in a way that was not his usual way. i flirted back. Yesterday he came right out and propositioned me. And when i told him that i still had a hard time calling him anything other than his title, and he said, "I hope, at some point, when we are in a room alone together and naked, you will call me by my first name." Ohhhhh, the timing for this was BAD. i always saw him as a very straight-laced man, one that would never be interested in someone so "unconventional". i have been proven wrong. i told him that i find it very difficult to be in the same room with him and do not trust myself to be alone with him AT ALL. He feels the same way. He is not married, by the way, but has a girlfriend. i told him that i did not want to see him compromise that relationship, just as i am not willing to compromise mine. i will not lie to Master. i would have jumped at the chance to be with this man had the circumstances been different.

So i know that Master want men to want me, with the understanding that they cannot have me. Do i have anything to feel guilty for? On the one hand i want to flirt with The Doorman, but i know that doing so would put me in a situation that would make this worse. If i flirt, and we are alone together one day, i don't trust myself not to touch him. At this point, any contact with him would set me on fire, and i cannot let that happen. Although i am allowed to be attracted to others, they will be limited to those Master chooses for me, knowing i would like them. Master knows that i am attracted to this man and i don't think He would approve.

i think i just answered my own question. If Master would not approve, i must stop. For the first time, i must resist the attraction i feel for this man and move on. Knowing he wants me as much as i want him.....pure torture. But in the end, i love Master and The Doorman is a pure chemical attraction. One is not worth the other.

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