<< Clarity >>
2006-10-28, 7:19 a.m.

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. If you're going to be offended, stop reading now and close the window....

Things are a little more settled for me now. i can't say i'm happy, but....

The Doorman and i had a long conversation yesterday afternoon. He read the rules and i think was seduced by the idea, but by the time i talked to him, he was aware that he does not have the time or situation necessary to keep a slave. He is now aware that i am a collared slave, though i have still not told him who my Master is. i think he would be a very strict, demanding master. The idea is intoxicating, but not possible right now.

The Doorman is struggling with his long history of infidelity. Apparently he thinks that he has made some really bad choices when it comes to relationships. It seems to me that if he cannot or will not be monogamous, that he should look into something different. i wish i'd known what he was really like, because i would have jumped at the chance to be with him years ago when i first met him. He is the whole package. Dark hair, olive skin, impeccible dress, gregarious and outwardly very simple. In private he has a dark, almost cruel and very powerful presence that makes me want to fall to my knees and ask to be used in whatever manner he sees fit. He has no problems giving orders and expecting them to be carried out. There is no sub in this man. i have informed him that i don't know him well enough to love him, but i want him very much. Torture...

As for Master, He has not called me in two days. He has given me very little direction. When i asked to go out yesterday afternoon, He only told me to wear my hair down and dress according to the place i was going. When i told Him i'd been invited to a Holloween party later that night, He texted back "On a date? Do you want to go?" A date??? i sent back that i thought i wasn't allowed to go on dates, i wasn't sure if i would be going, but i was lonely without Him. i got a reply that said that i hadn't told Him whose party or who invited me and that i should go if i was lonely. Well i sent back that is was a friend of mine's party (He knows about her), she invited me and i was not going. Never heard from Him again. I took a diphenhydramine and went to bed at 7:30. Just before 9pm The Doorman sent a text making sure i was OK.

This sucks. Why is Master being so distant? i know He's been sick, so i've been giving Him His space. That doesn't explain not contacting me for five days while He was away either. i think that He is creating a very bad situation by staying away. This slave is lonely, undisciplined and being taunted by a very enticing offer. i no longer want to behave.

i want to be disciplined, used and loved. i want Him to care that i am here and recognize that i need Him. i cannot sit here and wait for His attention much longer.

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