I'm finally getting some sleep. Not more than six hours a night, but better than the two I've been getting for the last week. I'm still not eating much though.

Saturday went well, although since I knew Master was working all weekend, I felt lost. I went to the charity event, managed to get in 1 1/2 beers before I felt completely intoxicated. Not eating will do that to you. Master and I had several texted conversations and I told him I wanted to buy a corset. We agreed on a style and fabric and I was to pick one out on Sunday. I had respectfully requested that he call me so that we could discuss Sunday's events. By 11:30 I still hadn't heard from him.

I found myself in a complete state of turmoil. I started to realize that I had no idea who I was or what I was doing. I had a emotional breakdown. This is not me. I am a strong, confident woman. I do not prostrate myself before any man and I'll never agree to be a servant to one. But here I am. A willing participant in this life that I've chosen. It scares the hell out of me. I can't say that I would feel as good about this if it were any other man. It was my choice, and I have chosen well.

During my brief tornado of emotion I got a call from a friend. He's always been there for me and always been good to me. We have been friends for a couple of years, occasionaly sleeping together. I can laugh and be comfortable with him, but there will never be a future for us. I love him, but as a friend would. He was concerned about me and how I was feeling. Of course, I didn't tell him exactly what was going on, but that I was just emotional. I asked him to just talk to me and get me back to normal. He then told me that he had contemplated surprising me by showing up on a trip I'm going on mid-september. It's through work and I will be going with two other people. Well that threw me into another panic! I think I talked him out of it. I hope.

Master called a little while after I talked to my friend. (Turns out he was tied up on a very serious call for a couple of hours.) I told him about the conversation. He inquired about my feelings about this person, sexual and emotional, and then told me that he would HAVE to be told I was involved with someone. I am to keep him updated.

Master and I also discussed an ex-boyfriend that I will be coming into contact with alot over the next few weeks. I knew I would be seeing him yesterday, so I let Master know. He was fine with it only as long as I was. I tend to just get over things - despite that this guy was my last boyfriend and he broke my heart. I'm still OK with seeing him.

I went on a corset shopping spree Sunday. I tried on a very sturdily made corset with steel stays and black woven fabric. The straps are removable. I can't get it tight enough on my own, so I will need his help. I did see collars and bracelets, but was told that those were something he must pick out for me. I knew that, I was just observing. Anyway, Master bought me the corset. I tried it on and sent him a picture. He approves.

I needed to stop by work on my way home yesterday and did so with Master's permission. It was dinner time and he and his partner were out. The guys asked me to stay and have dinner with them. With Master's approval, I did. He returned sometime later and stood in the kitchen watching me as I talked to our coworkers. It made me little uncomfortable and self-conscious. I wanted to make sure I was acting appropriately. Soon he fixed himself a cup of coffee and went outside. My cue to follow. I did. We sat outside and talked. I told him about my emotional night and he told me that I was to let him know immediately when these things happen.

There is a good chance I will see him sometime this morning. I hope I will. I am ready for the next step. He said that so far, I am doing very well. He could tell that being with him was easy for me. It is in the moment. There is no hesitation, no shame. That comes later when I realize how easily I have abandoned all sense of myself in a desperate, all consuming need to please him. I need his assurance that I am OK. I need his touch and comfort. I don't believe I've needed anyone so much in my life. And he has been there, gentle and soothing, with a ready smile for me.

God. He's making it so easy to abandon myself.

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