<< Turn of events >>
2007-01-07, 8:35 a.m.

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. If you're going to be offended, stop reading now and close the window....

My former master and I had a very long conversation last night. He finally responded to my email and because it was just a bunch of "I'm so sorry, I have no idea how to make you feel better", I requested that he call me. The conversation lasted over an hour and a half.

Sometimes I wonder if he and I are listening to the same conversation. He hears the words, but for some reason has a problem understanding my point. I'm not being ambiguous, I think he just needs to hear it in several different versions in order for it to sink in. I went into it not expecting anything but for him to truly understand what was going on here.

What it finally comes down to is that he realized that he was not being attentive to me. He knew that even though he realized this that somewhere down the line it would happen again. Not feeling that it was fair to me, he called it quits. We both admit feelings, we both want each other in our lives. Neither of us want this to be a "booty call" or a "friends with benefits" situation. I told him that in acknowledging and understanding where things went wrong, he could improve. He is a true adult and actually hears me and gives value to my words when I speak. Unfortunately he feels he would be taking advantage of me if he could only see me when it worked for him. Time is limited for both of us right now, but that gives me no reason to end a relationship that was based on all of the right things.

Although he doesn't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know it is there. Yes, he has to prioritize and I am well aware of that. Rarely will I be number one on his list, and that's the way it has to be. There are four other little people who get to be there first. But school will eventually end and our calendars will open up. His oldest will soon want to be out of the house and into her own apartment.

So here's where it all ended up. He said he wants me in his life. He said he was excited at the prospect of me being there and said it made him smile. I don't want to give him up and fully understand that it will be tough for us for a while. I told him to stop feeling like he has to "handle" me. I am not just another responsibility, but a partner. I want to be here for him as much as I need him. I can help, not just add more stress. He needs to let me in. He is still hung up on taking advantage of me. I told him that the difference between a friend with benefits and us is the emotion involved. If he has feelings for me, we move forward to see where this goes. It's going to move pretty slowly, but it will move. He decided to take some time and think.

And so I wait....

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