<< My answer >>
2007-01-04, 8:47 a.m.

WARNING: ADULT CONTENT. If you're going to be offended, stop reading now and close the window....

It was brought to my attention yesterday by a reader of this diary that in posting the entire e-mail message from my former master may be an invasion of privacy. I took that into consideration and have the following thoughts on the matter.

I really don't care if anyone reads this diary. I am writing for myself and myself only. Sometimes it does help to have a little encouragement from others or a little insight from those who can afford to be completely objective when looking at my situations, but it's not necessary. The advice is freely given, but unsolicited. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate every kind word! But I have taken pains to make this diary completely anonymous. None of you know me or him, nor will any amount of digging into my list of friends reveal anything about me. I don't know any of those people personally either. This is simply a record of my experience and an attempt at catharsis. It's not like I can freely talk to the people in my life about my lifestyle. Believe me. This is my way of getting out what's inside so that I can reflect on it later. I also don't believe it would be fair to only post my own thoughts and not give a voice to his. I'm not right all of the time. Maybe one day I'll be able to read all of this with a different perspective. Who knows.

And with all of that said, I am now posting my reply to his e-mail. I was not kind.... And though I say I'm not angry - I sure as hell sound angry. Anyway, here it is in all it's nastyness:

"I've read and re-read this e-mail a few times. At first I was very confused, but now I find that I am.....I wouldn't say angry exactly, but upset. You did not answer anything for me, all you did was give me more excuses and confuse me further.

Although your words were well intended, pardon me for saying so, but I've never read so much bull in my life. I am tired of hearing the excuses and forgive me, but I am about to impart a little of my own thoughts on the matter. You are absolutely right in saying that you have not been a good master over the last couple of months. You went far beyond neglecting me. What you don't seem to be willing to admit is that your circumstances have not changed so much lately that it would excuse such actions. We both knew that your time was limited when we began this enterprise. You are also correct in saying that I did nothing wrong and played my part as best as I could. I have always known this. I gave everything I had, following your guidance to the letter. You failed me. I gave you the most precious gift I have and when things got tough, you abandoned me. There were decisions made for my living arrangements based on your support of me that I now must face alone. As far as continuing in this lifestyle, I am also abandoning that. Right now I cannot even conceive of having another master, let alone entertain the thought of being someone elses Mistress. You impart all sorts of wisdom about what it is to be a master, yet fail to follow it yourself at every turn. You are far more transparent to me than you think. You want to keep yourself apart, watching everything unfold and act the benevolent benefactor without getting too involved. Everything I have read tells me that this is not the way it should be. So stop lying to yourself. This has nothing to do with your schedule. You need to examine your heart and see what it tells you. I'm very much in touch with my own and need no lectures on the subject.

My gut tells me that this has nothing to do with me at all. This is about you and your inability or unwillingness to follow through. Aside from our relationship in the BDSM world, I have lost my friend and lover as well. My heart is broken. I tried to pick up and move on as quickly as I could, but I abandoned that venture as well. I am not ready. As far as trashing you, I have not done that. If anyone has asked, I have told them that you dumped me. That is exactly what you did. It's hard to hide the pain I'm feeling when even the mention of your name makes me hurt.

And now for the love I have for you. If you do not have the courage to put yourself in my hands, to allow me to love you and love me in return, then I must kill the love I have for you. For you to tell me that if it is true then it will not go away is unfair. You wrote the following: "Feeling what you're feeling, and I am not trying to label it, but if it is strong than it's not going anywhere. Yes, it will occasionally need tending to but it will remain as long as you allow." What does this mean? Does it mean that you want me to continue to love you? To wait for you despite what you say so that in your conscience you feel that you have done "the right thing" and leave the rest up to me? And how do you intend to "tend to" this love? How can I allow it to continue if it is not returned? If that's the case, then it has to be smothered.

I'm here if you want to talk, but please think about what I have said first. As far as I'm concerned, my heart, mind and body still belong to you."

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