i had a long talk with Master last night. He always makes me feel better.

Things have been stressful for both of us lately. i can't imagine things not being stressful for Him all the time, but He handles it well. School has been crazy for me. i took another exam yesterday morning and think i may have gotten over 90% on it. We'll see. i called in "sick" yesterday for today so i could study for tomorrow's exam.

i was in a chat room last night and was talking to another master about my fears of being hurt. Two of them chimed in that that fear is on both sides of the collar. The masters fear that their slaves will find someone they like better and will leave them for another. That puts things in a little bit different perspective for me. When i talked to Master about the fear, he said the same thing before i told him what the other masters had said. He fears i will find someone i like better as well. i also told him that receiving the Rules again was a bit painful for me. They are no longer hypothetical, now they are ours. Using a lower case "i" in the Rules to represent me has a strange effect. It makes me feel diminished as a person, not as important. He told me that He wanted me to realize that the lower case "i" represents what i have committed to, it in no way diminishes who i am. i am treasured and important to Him. Although i know this to be true, seeing the Rules made me cry every time i read them. He told me not to read them for a while until that passes.

i also told him there was a rule that i was very disturbed about. He told me that these rules are not set in stone. We will take each situation as it comes and decide together how to deal with it. Master told me that despite how this relationship "works", He can only do to me what i let Him. He must have my full trust an commitment in order for this to work, and i must have His. Although it does not appear to be a 50/50 relationship, it is. We both must contribute and agree on things for this to work. But to all others, it appears that i am in servitude. i have been looking for this for so long. i needed a man who would be able to "handle" me without diminishing my strength. i have found Him.

He lets me be strong in serving Him.

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