Last night's experience included me masturbating on webcam as Master watched. It went like this:

Master (9/27/2006 10:07:49 PM): You within hearing distance?

Novicesub (9/27/2006 10:13:07 PM): I am here

Master (9/27/2006 10:15:53 PM): Good girl. Now. I gotta tell you I'm a little bothered by your tone last night, but it was all through text so my interpretation of your tone may have been different than what you intended. That aside, and to be honest, only for as long as I can stay awake, I would like to play. You game?

Novicesub (9/27/2006 10:16:17 PM): I am. Not sure what you mean by my tone. I had taken 2 benadryl to try to sleep

Master (9/27/2006 10:19:20 PM): Again, its an interpretation thing. I got the feelong you were getting a little "uppity" last night - so to speak-. But that doesn't mean that's what you intended. I know I was feeling a little stressed over the test studying, and now I feel a bit tired. It's been a long day. But I would rather talk about that later. I really want you to turn on your cam and let be imagine I can lick you. I want to fantasize about you right now. I can see you now. Can others? Am I the only one to see your face for now?

Novicesub (9/27/2006 10:21:46 PM): You are the only one looking. I can turn it off to others. Would you prefer that?

Master (9/27/2006 10:23:59 PM): I am going to ask to watch you. I am ok with others watching. But you know at least one other who may be watching. Do you want him to be able to see if he is able?

Novicesub (9/27/2006 10:24:18 PM): May I ask who?

Master (9/27/2006 10:24:45 PM): "Coworker name deleted", I thought. Or is that only on "website name deleted".

Novicesub (9/27/2006 10:25:43 PM): He requested to be on my messenger list (and is still there) though he has never contacted me. He is not online right now. I can see who is viewing me and you are the only one.

Master (9/27/2006 10:27:01 PM): BTW next time you are there. Check out "screen name deleted". Thats how I met a few interested people and couples.

Novicesub (9/27/2006 10:27:23 PM): Is "screen name deleted" a person?

Master (9/27/2006 10:27:33 PM): It is us.

Novicesub (9/27/2006 10:27:47 PM): I see

Novicesub (9/27/2006 10:28:15 PM): What would you like me to do?

Master (9/27/2006 10:28:33 PM): Do you have your toy handy?

Novicesub (9/27/2006 10:28:43 PM): It is in it's box in the living room

Master (9/27/2006 10:29:07 PM): Are you cold?

Novicesub (9/27/2006 10:29:11 PM): a little

Master (9/27/2006 10:29:18 PM): Stand

Master (9/27/2006 10:29:34 PM): Go get your toy

Novicesub (9/27/2006 10:30:14 PM): I have it.

Master (9/27/2006 10:30:20 PM): show me

Master (9/27/2006 10:31:56 PM): You look like you are still having thoughts. You look almost like you doubt. Apprehensive perhaps. Are you?

Novicesub (9/27/2006 10:32:03 PM): No.

Master (9/27/2006 10:32:51 PM): Then I am going to take you to places you have only thought were possible. Are you sure????

Novicesub (9/27/2006 10:33:04 PM): Yes

Master (9/27/2006 10:34:14 PM): Good. Then we will begin.

Master (9/27/2006 10:34:26 PM): I want to cum.

Master (9/27/2006 10:37:30 PM): I am going to jerk off to you masturbating. I want the toy in your ass. I want the cam pointed to both your pussy and your ass. Then I want you to play with yourself til I cum. It does not matter if you cum first or not. You are to play til I cum. Get lube if you need it. then start. Go!

Novicesub (9/27/2006 10:40:36 PM): Master, I am not feeling well.

Master (9/27/2006 10:40:47 PM): Sick?

Novicesub (9/27/2006 10:41:02 PM): strike that

Novicesub (9/27/2006 10:41:41 PM): i will do as you ask

Master (9/27/2006 10:42:09 PM): STOP! Is something going on your not telling me? Are you ok? Are you sick?

Novicesub (9/27/2006 10:42:43 PM): no, i ws trying to delete an old message and sent it instead

Master (9/27/2006 10:43:15 PM): SO all is well? you look wet.

Master (9/27/2006 10:45:14 PM): That is wonderful. I am very hard!!

Master (9/27/2006 10:45:51 PM): I want my mouth were your fingers are!!

Master (9/27/2006 10:47:13 PM): Thinking of fucking you......

Master (9/27/2006 10:47:51 PM): Really like the thought of having your toy in one spot while I fuck the other..

Master (9/27/2006 10:49:31 PM): Like the idea of fucking your at the same time as someone else....

Master (9/27/2006 10:50:07 PM): want to watch you suck someone while I fuck you...

Master (9/27/2006 10:51:45 PM): Want to watch you lick a pussy while I fuck you.....

Master (9/27/2006 10:52:35 PM): You look so wet.....am soooooo hard!!!!

Master (9/27/2006 10:53:21 PM): Am going to cum soon.......

Master (9/27/2006 10:57:59 PM): FUCK!!!! I love cumming when I think about you! Now stop. I have cum. Was anyone else watching?

Novicesub (9/27/2006 10:58:13 PM): no

Master (9/27/2006 10:58:32 PM): Do you want to cum?

Novicesub (9/27/2006 10:58:36 PM): no

Master (9/27/2006 10:58:44 PM): Why?

Novicesub (9/27/2006 10:59:04 PM): just don't feel like it

Novicesub (9/27/2006 10:59:17 PM): can i wash up

Master (9/27/2006 11:00:18 PM): Yes. I am going to bed. We will talk tomorrow. Go to bed. Hope you sleep well............

Novicesub (9/27/2006 11:00:27 PM): good night

I was incredibly stressed out and cried all the way through this. He could not see my face, and would be very angry with me for not telling him. I sobbed and prayed for him to get it over with. After he was done, I texted him saying that I was stressed out and that I did not intend to sound "uppity" as he put it. (See my last post for text transcript.) He asked if I wanted him to call and I replied that I did.

First we talked about my stress at work. He calmed me and then told me everything would be fine, to stop obsessing. He was right, I know.

We then broached the subject of my feelings. He apparently thought by my messages that I was either considering changing our relationship to one that was more traditional, or that I was going to continue things this way but completely devoid of emotion. I explained to him that neither of those things was true. I am considering giving myself to him body, mind, heart and soul. He paused and then told me that if that were the case, I would have to realize a few things. First, he would no longer consult with me on those I would sleep with, give oral sex to or let touch me. Those were options to me before. Second, I would have to turn EVERY decision over to him and trust him to make the right ones for me. I asked him for some reassurance that he did not regard me as some sort of pawn, that he did feel things for me. He would not. He told me that he could in no way influence my decision. I must make this decision solely on my own with no input from him.

I am now resolved to make a decision. I was at first put off by his unwillingness to commit to some sort of emotion for me. I can see it in him and feel it, I just have to trust that it is there. I will have to trust him for everything. I am scared. Petrified.

God help me, but I love him.

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