In the spirit of being completely honest with Master, I have had to come clean about the emotional turmoil I am feeling toward him. We had a phone conversation monday night and text messages about it yesterday. Here's how it went.

Monday night I tried to put into words how I was feeling. I asked him not to make me say it. I was/am not ready to let the words leave my lips. I told him that I have very strong feelings for him, but am in complete upheaval about them. All of my life I've been told that the ideal love includes only one man and one woman. How am I to love a man who will give his attentions to other people and encourage me to do the same? Socialization tells me that is not only wrong, but a perversion of love. How do I reconcile this? How do I not become jealous? And why should it matter what society thinks if I know better?

Master told me that if he was doing this right in his "role", I would be so consumed with him that I would do anything. This upset me. It made me feel like a pawn in a game. It made me ashamed and out of control of my feelings. It made me think that maybe he did think this was a game and that he was getting off on trying to completely control me. I cried myself to sleep.

Yesterday morning when I texted him that I was leaving for work, he asked if I was feeling any better about us. Nothing happened to make me feel better. If anything, I felt worse. I told him I was scared. He told me we would talk. Last night the text messages started at 10pm. AFTER I had taken two benadryl to try to get some sleep. I was a little groggy.

Master: All Ok?

Novice: OK

Master: Feeling any better? Got your studying done?

Novice: It's fine

Master: Stop. "It's fine" is not you. Don't tell me that if it isn't. Tell me you're not ready to talk. Or that you need more time. Don't pacify or patronize. You know better.

Novice: What do I say to that? Can't everything just be fine?

Master: Yes it could be. But the "it's fine" doesn't sound or "feel" right. Not you. So....?

Novice: So? I don't know what to say. I am clear as to how and what I feel. I have accepted it.

Master: You conflicts? Concerns? Self doubt? Questions of your beliefs? telling me they are all resolved?

Novice: No. I will always question and doubt at times. I can trust though. I am willing to take that risk. My heart is resolved.

Master: Your heart is resolved? What does that mean? What are you saying? Are you afraid? Are you feeling something else? Am I going the wrong way? Are you falling in love?

Novice: It is easy for me to surrender my body to you, but my heart comes at a far greater price. It is difficult for me to give it, but I find myself doing it. I will not be prepared to speak of love until you have made your feelings for me clear.

Master: Find yourself doing what?

Novice: I find myself turning my heart over to you without question and that scares me.

Master: Then we need to talk more about this subject face to face. You should rest now too. And think about your resolve on this subject considering how far you're willing to go with everything in this direction.

Novice: I have no idea what that means. How far I am willing to go in what direction?

Master: This lifestyle darlin'. Willing to give everything for this? Supposedly without question? Everything that is, except your heart?

Novice: Am I to keep my heart out of this? Is love off limits here? Is this a game for fun only?

Master: You said your heart was resolved to accept things the way they are. I was asking you the same question in different words. Is your love not part of this?

Novice: In order for me to give everything, I must love. I did not understand that until this week. Are you prepared to accept my love and love me in return?

Master: That is why we need to talk face to face. We need to explain what that means to each of us and what will be expected in relation to what we do as Dom and sub.

Novice: Then I do not feel better yet.

And I don't. My drug induced sleep has left me feeling just as tired as ever. I am prone to crying jags and I have no idea when I will see Master and talk about this. I am a mess.

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